- October 17th, 2010
So, shall we discuss gender issues today?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if there was a proper name for everything that was wrong with a person? On many occassions I have found myself wondering if I am transgender. Some days I hate the fcat that I have a female body so much that I feel like I'm wasting my life being a girl. Other times I go all out with the make-up and hair-styling and short skirts (Never heels though, no, no heels), and I look in the mirror and think 'damn, I'm hot!'.
And as far as sex goes... I can only do it drunk and with strangers. When I'm sober the idea of sex makes me feel physically sick; the partner doesn't matter, I could have the cutest guy in the world, and I would be horny as hell watching him get it on with another guy! But the thought of him being with me is thoroughly undesirable.
I pointedly refuse to be touched, or have anyone do anything that would remind me I have girl parts.
I cannot claim to be asexual as twink porn totally turns me on, and if I could find a guy (there's probably a man-whore somewhere) who would be interested in me dressing up as a boy, and maybe doing me like a boy, that would probably get me off.
I wish I could be a boy for a day or week or month, but I certainly wouldn't go for anything permanent. I wonder if there is a discussion board somewhere for this? Because I have no idea what to do about this besides continuing my sordid one-nighters in alley-ways and hotel rooms. I couldn't put another poor guy through the burden of my messed up psyche for the sake of a relationship.
Maybe I just hate being 'me'. Not many people like me; I'm narcissistic, arrogant, selfish and aggressive. I have no friends, even my family don't get on with me. Sad truth is that I don't think I really care, and I have no intention of changing myself for anyone.
So, let's say 'I hate myself' but I won't chnage because I'd hate myself even more for denying who I am.
And who I am is an angry, confused, sociopathic alcoholic.