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Suspicious happiness...
No, before anyone leaps to any conclusions, I haven't gotten a better job yet. The job most definitely still sucks. But I am happy, and part of me is concerned about that.
As previously mentioned, I suffer a great deal from bi-polar disorder, and have had two cycles in the last five weeks - way more frequent than my usual three or four a year - and they were seriously exhausting, mentally and physically. As much as I know the cycles pass, I really worry that I haven't had long enough to recover to survive another one.
Hopefully that isn't what's happening.
Hopefully I am actually happy, although I don't really know how to tell the difference anymore until I crash.
I think I might be happy because I've realised it's okay to be Milo.
The parental units haven't said anything yet, the chances are they haven't noticed, I mean I've always worn boys' clothes, and never had the fullest cleavage in the world. If they have noticed then they don't care - I'm fine with that. Third option? They're assuming I'm seeking attention, in which case they most certainly will not give it to me. I'm fine with that, too.
I've ordered a proper binder from underworks, so I won't have to bother with that ancient velcro monstrosity I've been relying on for years (it stinks, but I don't really want to put it out for the wash 'cause it'll be like rubbing mother's face in it, and I can't use the washing machine). I still can't believe these products (chest binders, packers) have been available all this time and I've just been improvising with an old back support and socks... Moron.
Right now I'm not in a position to say "I'm definitely going to go on T" or even "I'm never going to go on T", or anything about surgery, although I would love to lose the boobs for so many reasons. I still hate the 'down there' bits, and wish like mad I'd been born with a dick, but the metoidioplasty and phalloplasty procedures seem seriously extreme and the results, from what I've seen, look almost as unappealing as what I already have. Once again I wish I could just be a Ken doll - seal it up, have nothing there. Oooh, like Alan Rickman (drool) in Dogma!
Looking into a trip to Portsmouth mid-May, hoping the gay club I remember (227) is still around. I don't think I'll be visiting the Hampshire Boulevard as I recall there were no doors on the cubicles in the men's room - kind of a bummer if you're drinking heavily and can't piss standing up. I'm pretty sure Hana will be cool with me being Milo, in fact she'll probably love it, she's a total fag-hag.
I think some of my more local drinking buddies should also be okay, although I doubt they'll take me too seriously until they know I'm serious.
I've set up a facebook for Milo, might even link it to this in hope of getting some friends on there (I'll add the people I know as I tell them face-to-face). Wondering how many of the guys I've got chasing me are going to turn tail and run when I tell them I'm not a girl... My money's on 'all of them'.
Also working on a new tattoo design. And when I say 'working on', of course what I mean is 'found on google images, sent to Terry and asked him to make it more interesting', it's going to go across my back/shoulder-blades.
Wow, check me out, I've posted two days in a row!


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