I'm starting to think nothing about my brain is right. Apparently I'm a real downer to be around because I don't see the bright side in anything. The other day I burst into tears when I heard an advert on the radio for 'auto-glass', because I suddenly realised there were people out there whose job was to fit car windscreens and that just seemed so mundane I couldn't understand why they bothered living.
I have this constant childish feeling that 'if I can't have what I want, I don't want anything'
small example: if the canteen doesn't have the sandwich I want for lunch, I go without food altogether.
bigger example: if I can't have the life I want, I don't want to live. Seriously, what is the point of doing a boring job? I'd rather do nothing.
I'm never going to be the person I want to be, so what's the point in trying?
Let's put this in perspective, I have a great imagination so I'll explain how I see my future in my head:
Three years from now, I am a young man named Milo, working for a forensic science service, preferably having emigrated to America. I have many good friends, mostly male but both straight and gay. I live alone in an apartment adorned with accessories that reflect my eclectic passions. Maybe I have an on-again-off-again boyfriend, I don't know, but I can almost see myself, and I'm smiling, I look so happy.
But it's never going to happen, is it?
Instead, I'm going to be stuck doing a job a million miles beneath me, stuck in crummy old England, stuck in a body that doesn't reflect how I see myself in my head.
I don't believe in reincarnation, but I still entertain myself with the idea that 'in the next life' I might finally get to be the person I want to be.
- Is anything about me right?